Uncle Henry's Dick Picks Volume One

AN OPEN LETTER TO REVEREND PEYTON'S BIG DAMN BAND

Dear Reverend Peyton,

Just who the hell do you think you are, some kind of preacher or something? 

Well, I'll tell you what. I aint never heard no preacher like you before, up on the stage with that silly lookin' guitar snarling through that nasally drawl. And while I'm not necessarily a religious fella, I don't hear ya all saying a whole hell of a lot about Jesus and his disciples up there. And the fact that you use a cuss word in your band name... well Jesus probably wouldn't like that so much.

And it aint none of my business, but that group of rebel-rousers you are preachin' to don't look like no congregation I have ever seen before neither.

Where'd you come from, Kentucky or something? I don't know if anybody ever told you, but you look kinda look ridiculous in those wife beatin' t-shirts you're always wearing tucked into those rolled up jeans.  

Maybe if ya bought some trousers that was a little bit longer, you wouldn't have to roll them up like that. And that gal... I'm sure she's just as sweet as honey but she looks like she just stepped out of Carl Perkin's Cadillac. That would have been fine in the mid '50s but this ain't 1956 no more. It's about time y'all got with the program.

There's a big damn pig in this photo.

I see that you are going to be in Des Moines in a week or so. If you would like, I could bring you a pair of jeans that might be a bit more your size, and I'm sure that I could rustle up some modern day clothes for your gal too. In fact, my wife's got an entire closet of clothes that would probably fit that gal right nicely, and while they might be more of the '70s style variety, it would still be an upgrade from what your gal's always wearing.

I'll tell you what. I'll come to the Gas Lamp on March 7th with a whole mess of clothes. Be sure to leave some room in your pick-up truck for everything I'm gonna bring ya because believe you me, I'll be doing the both of us a favor. Just promise not to tell my wife. She'd raise all kinds of hell if she knew I gave away her clothes.

So okay. I will see you there.

Whatever these damned kids say today,

Uncle Henry



N/P: Antiseen "Kill the Scene."
In this country we have no place for hyphenated Americans. - Theodore Roosevelt
There were 12 honeymooning couples aboard the Titanic. Oops. 

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