(At least) Five Questions With Jack of Dirty Fences

The latest from Dirty Fences, released May 2015

Just as I decided that Dirty Fences is the greasiest rock and roll band in the solar system, I fired off an email to Jack Daves with some very pertinent questions. Knowing that these guys are tour whores - and just whores in general - I wanted to slap him with something that would give him a mental break from being on the road.

I wandered up to the neighborhood coffee shop, bought a cup, and immediately blistered my tongue with scalding hot coffee. What's that got to do with anything? Well... nothing. But goddamn that hurt! 

Jack got back to me quickly. So quickly in fact that I hadn't allowed myself time to research the band.. So here I am, under pressure to put out an article with this all-inclusive interview, and other than the fact that these fuckers are the first rock and roll band since Captain Beyond to make my toes curl up into tight little feet fist, I know nothing about them.

It doesn't matter. What do I really need to know? Their sound is reminiscent of nothing that is being passed around as music in this dead age of rock and roll, and they unabashedly stab their finger at the system in a way that would make handsome Dick Manitoba a proud papa. I'm hooked, and if you have any salt in your wounds at all, you will be too when they come to a town near you.

If you had to go to war and you could choose one animal to go to war with, why wouldn't you choose a goat?

Would not choose the goat cuz sometimes combat takes place on frozen Hoth-like terrain and let's face it, a goat just isn't big enough to to cut open and crawl inside of to take shelter from subzero temperatures and other fatal elements out there on the tundra. Gimme a Tauntaun, okay?

While touring, what's the strangest thing you've found in someone's refrigerator at 3:00 in the morning?

Pickles.  Pickles is/was the beloved Siamese cat of a Chicago promoter we stayed with. The cat had passed away almost two years before but this guy just couldn't bear to close the book on Pickles and bury him in the backyard. He's probably still there next to the Eggo's. 

Tell me a hard drug story. 

Umm. We were in Tilburg, Holland. A friend of ours brought us a letter sized envelope full of Special K. Over a couple hours I snorted somewhere between a handful and a big handful of the stuff. I had taken ketamine before and wasn't really into it. Apparently if you take a lot more it's a lot more fun. Anyway the next morning I woke up in a full length velvet wizards gown and pointy hat just like the one from Fantasia. According to my band mates I spent the last half of the night in a K-Hole lying on my back on the kitchen floor in full wizard costume with my phone on full blast, speaker jammed in my ear, listening to Redman. Turns out I met a dutch man on the street wearing the wizard suit and convinced him to let me try it on and then ran through a crowded square to make off with it. I wish this story weren't true.

If you had to choose to either die by spontaneous combustion or get eaten by a shark, which one would you choose and why?

Spontaneous combustion. Duh. 

I haven't had a cocktail in 32 hours now. What's the hardest thing you've ever done?

I served Mr. John Mayer at a coffee shop I use to work at. We all know that guy's a pervert. I wanted some dirt. He looked like he would dish. My boss was right behind me though. I had to keep my mouth shut. 

What's the most random thought you ever had while playing onstage?

Is a witch's vagina green and scaly with gnashing teeth OR designed by the devil to be the most perfect, inviting warm place in order to more easily ensnare a man? Y'know like houses made of candy to lure greedy children...

Why do Dirty Fences (actual fences that are dirty) appeal to you guys so hard?

We eat what we like. Why do we like 'em? We just do!


N/p: " I Am Right!" - The Dictators
"I used to have a drug problem. Now I make enough money." - David Lee Roth
The longest time between two twins being born is 87 days.

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13th Floor Elevators to Reunite in Austin

Somewhere, on another oxygen supported planet in a far away universe, a butterfly fluttered and it caused an inter-galactic ripple. Texas psyche patriarchs 13th Floor Elevators will play the Levitation Festival in Austin, Texas, marking the first time they have appeared together onstage since 1967.

This one-off reunion will feature all living original members, including vocalist, guitarist, and Austin native Roky Erickson, bassist Ronnie Leatherman, and original drummer John Ike Walton.  Astonishingly, the band's primary lyricist, electric jug player, and all-around visionary Tommy Hall will join the Elevators as well. He has essentially been living in seclusion in San Francisco for the decades since the band broke up. Guitarist Eli Southard from The Hounds of Baskerville will be stepping in for the late Stacy Sutherland. 

The Levitation Festival takes place May 8th – 10th at Carson Creek Ranch. Sharing the stage with the Elevators will be Tame Impala, Spiritualized, The Jesus & Mary Chain, The Flaming Lips, Primal Scream, Earth, Mac DeMarco, and The Sword. Tickets are on sale now and are available through the festival’s website.

N/p: Andy Shernoff: "Don't Fade Away"
I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police. - Keith Richards
NASA's original projections accounted for a 5% chance for a successful moon landing. 

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POND - Man It Feels Like Space Again

There are a lot of things you can do with your time. You can walk your dog, you can bake a cake, or even a pie maybe, you could go to the gas station and put gas in your car, you can build a model, you can read a book, you could even start writing a book, you could do a load of laundry, you could mop your kitchen and bathroom floors, you could go out for tacos, you can look at a road map, you could mix a cocktail, you could make a pot of coffee, you can smoke 'em if you got 'em, you can pull your pud, you can write some hate mail to Psychotropic Island, you could watch cartoons, you can feed your cat, you can mow your lawn, or shovel your driveway (depending on the time of year it is), you could fix your sink, You can watch a ball game, you can call your mom, you can take a nap, you can make some pudding (yum!), you could go outside and climb a tree, you could eat a bag of chips, you can think about John Denver, you can blow your nose on your sleeve, you could go to a politicians press conference and flip 'em the bird, or you could learn another language. 

Any of these things would most likely be a much more rewarding way to spend your time than listening to this Pond Album.



N/p: Velvet Underground: "Murder Mystery"
Reality is an illusion albeit a persistent one. - Albert Einstein
If a moray eel bites you, it'll never let go. You'll have to cut off it's head. 

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Interview With A Hall of Famer: Leilani Kai

Many people have forgotten that during the first Wrestlemania, there were two headlining matches. The big one of course featured Mr. T and Hulk Hogan squaring off against Rowdy Roddy Piper and Paul Orndorff, but the co-main event featured a couple of lady wrestlers who had just fought against each other a month prior. That battle was between Wendy Richter and defending champion Leilani Kai.

Leilani Kai, training under the Fabulous Moolah had upset Richter to win the WWF Women's Title, and because the bout was so intense, a rematch was scheduled just a month later to co-headline the first Wrestlemania. Wendy Richter as you might remember brought in rocker Cyndi Lauper to be her manager and defeated Leilani Kai after an intense battle. Shortly after the match began, Moolah grabbed Richter as she was outside on the floor, but Lauper saved her from an attack. Kai then performed a flying crossbody from the top rope, but Richter used Kai's momentum to roll-up Kai in a pinning position. With this pin, Richter became the new Women's Champion. 

Leilani Kai was later paired with Judy Martin, in a tag team that would become known as The Glamour Girls. The team held the WWF Women's Tag Team Championship twice (managed by "The Mouth of the South" Jimmy Hart) and the LPWA Tag Team Championship once. Later, Kai returned briefly to the WWF in 1994, challenging for the Women's Championship at WrestleMania X. She also wrestled for World Championship Wrestling under the name Patty Stonegrinder and held the NWA World Women's Championship.

She was inducted into the National Wrestling Alliance Hall of Fame in 2006.  

(Thanks to Steve at Bookprowrestlers for putting me in touch with Ms. Kai.) 




Hi Ms. Kai. I see you are semi-retired. What are you up to these days?

I'm currently managing the shine tag team champions, "Legendary" Brandi Wine and Malia Hosaka. Also, I'm managing one of the top wrestlers in North America, Thunderkitty. I encourage fan's to look up these three talented lady wrestlers. They will be glad they did.

How has your body held up from all the years in the ring?

My body has held up well. I always trained hard and did my best to care for my body. I'm in a great shape and still wrestle when I feel the match is a important one for me to take.

Leilani Kai and Judy Martin aka The Glamour Girls

What was your initial connection to professional wrestling?

Watching as a young child, it left a impression on me. I was connected immediately.

Tell me about your relationship with the Fabulous Moolah.

She was a tough coach and disciplinarian. Not the easiest to work for, but she got great in-ring results out of her girls.

Do you have a friendship with Cyndi Lauper?

Cyndi was very high energy and emotionally invested in my series of matches vs Wendy. We did become friends years later. But make no mistake about it, she was all in when we did those matches. What a talented performer she is still.

Tell me about the month or so after you initially beat Richter, before your rematch at Wrestlemania.

It was spent training every day. Relentlessly. Moohlah was pushing me to the limit. She would bring in special trainer's. We would visit special gym's. The preparation for that event was was like nothing I had ever experienced. It meant a lot.

Leilani Kai sitting next to Brute in this undated photo. 

What was it like to be backstage at a huge wrestling event like Wrestlmania?

It was insane. Security and Celebrities were every where. Liberace, Muhammad Ali and so many more. You could tell that something special was taking place.

Tell me a good backstage story.

There's so many great backstage stories. One of the funniest thing's that I ever saw. One of the guys, who had just won a WWF championship was about to go out for his match and someone hid his title from him. That's always been my favorite.

How much have you had to deal sexism and diversity in your sport, and how have you overcome that?

It was never a problem for me. If your a female in this sport and your carry yourself with respect, you will be respected. People make the boys out to be a bunch of crazy guys. Let me tell you, they are all like your big brothers. God help anyone that disrespects one of the girls in front of those guys.

You are in the NWA Hall of Fame. What does that mean to you?

It mean's a lot to me. The NWA holds it's own place in wrestling history and I'm glad to be a small part of it.

Harvey Wippleman is the only man to have won a championship in the WWF Women's category. In your prime, could you have taken him?

Harvey is a very talented manager but I think I could have pinned him!

What advice do you have to offer young women who want to get into professional wrestling?

My advice would be to train, train, train. Make sure that it's in your heart and dont ever let anyone tell you that you dont belong or cant make it. You are in charge of your own destiny.

Kai tosses Darling Dagmar  during a match.

When it is all done and said, how would you most like to be remembered?

Oh, I dont worry too much about that. That's up to the fans and my co-workers to remember me how they will.


N/p: Sundial: "Red Sky"
If Shakespeare was alive today, he'd be writing wrestling shows. - Chris Jericho
If grasshoppers were the size of humans, they could leap about the length of a basketball court.

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ROCK N ROLL MAGICIAN LEFT FOR DEAD BY HUMANS IN THE 21ST CENTURY (BUT STILL KICKING ASS)!

Kim recounting the time that Phil Spector farted in the studio

That wasn't gonna be the title of this thing even though Mr. Fowley said maybe that's what I oughta call it. 

But it is kinda cool and since the guys all dead and gone, why not let him name it? Besides I probably would  have come up with something lame and not at all to the heart of the matter. 

The title as it stands does seems to capture that Fowley essence so.... there it is.

The story of this piece actually goes back some time and the idea had been put forth that I would try and set up an interview with Fowley. I had sent him an email and he responded the next day asking me all kinds of questions in regards to what I was all about and why I would want to interview him. We corresponded a little back and forth and he consented to do an interview. We had set up a time and we were gonna do it but he never called. 

He did send an email though saying that he had been in the studio, and could we move the interview to another night? 

Sure, why not. 

So we set up another time and when that night came still nothing. No email this time either. 

I moved on, working on other things still actually meaning to get back in touch with him and see if we could still get the interview done. I thought that he still might do it because although he may have decided to blow it off my line of thinking was that he wouldn't have even bothered to email me after he missed the first time, but who knows?

So like I said, I had every intention of getting back in touch with Kim Fowley but I never did, and now it's too late. Oh well. 

There's a lot of stuff out there and I would suggest you check it out. I mean a lot of stuff. There's no way I'm gonna sit here and make a laundry list of his involvement in the music scene, biz, or whatever. Name a band he was probably involved in some way. He was producer, manager, songwriter, hustler, manager, and all around freak. He was rock n roll. He certainly understood it as well, if not better than anybody out there. 

At it's core rock n roll is primal, it's dumb, and it's dangerous, and Kim Fowley celebrated that. You should too. There is an album coming out, I think in march. It's called KIM FOWLEY'S PSYCHEDELIC DOGS- DETROIT INVASION. 

So yeah, like the title of this piece says he is Still Kicking Ass.

To wrap this little mess up I'll let it end in Fowley's own words. This is his response to my email, where he consented to do the interview...

Hello,

Because I am old, crippled, and not apart of the 21st Century, I am computer ignorant.

Hey.. I don't text, haha.. Because I don't have a cell phone.

Hey dude, Kim Fowley doesn't even drive a car or own a house.

But, there must be some reason you want to interview me, possibly because, I am a walking dead man, living in the future, without flying cars.. Or geodesic domes. Perhaps it is, this contridiction, that will make for an interesting article...

You can call it, ' KIM FOWLEY ROCK N' ROLL MAGICIAN LEFT FOR DEAD BY HUMANS IN THE 21ST CENTURY (BUT STILL KICKING ASS)!'

What country are you in? The USA or somewhere over seas..? I was going to go overseas with my now ex lady companion... But, instead I will move into my new Hollywood show place in December.

Perhaps, if you are in the Hollywood area, you could join me and the few friends I have left, celebrating my special brand of Rock N' Roll Madness!

Tomorrow night would be ideal.. I am cancalling a pod-cast apperance so late afternoon/ early evening will be perfect.

Awaiting your immediate reply.

Sincerely,

Kim Fowley

The Duke Of Dreams



N/p: Otis Redding: "These Arms of Mine"
In much the same way that existentialism is the metaphysics of pragmatism (or is it vice versa?), wrestling is the metaphysics of rockandroll. If it isn't, what is? - Richard Meltzer
Grammatically speaking, the first 8 lines of The Star Spangled Banner are two sentences. 

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AND NOW, THE MEAT MASHUP!

This original Meat's Mashup is a head twister... It might be an advantage to be local to Des Moines but honestly, anybody should be able to figure it out based on the clues. It's like Blue's Clues for adults! 

Who Am I?

The first person to send the answer to meatmashup@gmail.com will be forever immortalized on this website!

One... two... three... GO!

N/p: The Mans: "War Penis"

Trees cause more pollution than automobiles. - Ronald Reagan

The record for the most balloon animals made in one hour is 747 or about 1 every 5 seconds.

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RUNNIN' OVER THE SAME OLD GROUND

The Final Cut? 

It has been said and I've even read that this is it for the Floyd guys.

At least it's supposed to be their final album. Yeah well, we've heard all of that before. The final album leads to a final tour, and then a few years down the road another tour. Who knows though. I mean these guys are getting up there in the years and the realities of growing old could put a stop to any future sojourns by the Pinksters. 

I mean the Who had the brains to say that they were calling it quits in the 80's giving them some years to work with at making those mega-bucks comebacks.

It's true these guys could really believe they're done but there are a couple of factors to be considered here. In a couple of years from now Mr. Gilmore or Mason could realize that they need more money to close that deal on their private island and so heading back out on the road could start to look good. I know these guys are filthy rich but the more money you got the more money you need ya know. 

And hey you know that Bill Clinton is somewhere lurking about ready to pounce on these guys with the idea of reuniting with Roger Waters for an album and tour; as we all know that his new passion is to be some kind of super agent that gets out there and brings all those legendary bands back to working status.

Or there's the even more cynical theory that it's just a marketing ploy and they have no intention of hanging it up, and are planning another album of leftovers, and a subsequent tour in just a matter of a few years. If that were the situation I think it's working from all the reports I'm reading. It sounds like those Endless River discs be they vinyl or digital are selling like hot cakes. And not only that but the demographic for the sales I've heard are relative youngsters. Like 18 to 30 year olds or something like that. go figure.

Oh well, time will tell what if any of these things it is but for the here and now we do have this record to listen to. Now it's called The Endless River but I think they should have called it something like Deja Vu. Yeah, I know the title already taken but it really would fit here, and besides, there are albums out there by different groups with the same title so who really cares. 

You see the thing about listen to this record, or actually both of them is you get the feeling that you've heard it before; like maybe on The Division Bell, or maybe A Momentary Lapse of Reason, or even like during the song Echoes. Now maybe that's good for you and maybe it's not, but the one thing that really jumped out and grabbed me when I was listening to this album was just how tired and boring it is. most, if not all of this thing is a descent into an aural abyss of a band who have run out of ideas and can't seem to rehash any of their old ones with any kind of energy or interesting angles.

I will say that I like this better than I like The Wall but so what? That's not really saying anything since I have come to regard The Wall as a gigantic tedious bore. I used to like it but now I just find it an unlistenable monstrosity. I can't be the only one. And I would say that I like Dark Side Of The Moon but due to the albums overexposure and overplayed status due to the fact that it's one of the defining albums of CLASSIC ROCK I'll be fine never hearing it again.

So to sum it all up, If this really is Pink Floyd's swan song I for one really couldn't care less. And if your one of the apparently few people who haven't got this yet my advice would be to use that money to buy any of the pre-Dark Side albums that you don't already have, and if you have them all then buy a pizza.


N/p: Aquamarine Dream Machine: "Feed the Beast"
Perhaps to some extent we have lost sight of the fact that LSD can be very, very helpful in our society if used properly. - Senator Robert Kennedy, 1966
American pioneers had recipes for Locust Stew. Swear to God. 

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Twenty Dollar Cartoon # 1: Pat Moriarity

We wondered what would happen if we commissioned a famous artist to draw a cartoon for us under the guise that we would only pay him 20 dollars for his time. The idea came to me one day as I read the comics page in the Des Moines Register and wondered about these artists and what they got paid for each strip they created. Personally I can't draw, but if I could, I would relish the lifestyle that comes along with such a job. (Eh, who wouldn't?) 

I've often said that writing is a hobby as long as I choose what I write about. If somebody asks me to do a story for them, or about them or their business, then it becomes work. I can only assume the sentiment is shared by cartoonists. With that in mind, I sent Pat Moriarity 20 bucks.

For twenty bucks, we were actually expecting a lot less than this.
(Click to enlarge)

This issue's Twenty Dollar Cartoon was drawn by former Des Moines resident Pat Moriarity who currently makes his home in Washington State. Pat has enjoyed a career that took him through the punk rock alleys of Minneapolis where he spent time working for Twin/Tone records doing things like paste up, poster design and cartoons for acts like Curtiss A, The Replacements, Mekons, Magnolias, Fat Tuesday, Swingin' Teens and Soul Asylum and later on through to Seattle where he became an art director for Fantagraphics, and later for The Comics Journal. In 1996 Rolling Stone Magazine named him the year's "Hot Cartoonist." Moriarity's work has appeared in National Geographic Kids, Estrus Records, Columbia Records, Chrysler Magazine, Sasquatch Books, Washington Law & Politics, and THE BEST OF LCD: The Art and Writing of WFMU.

Moriarity also created three minutes of animation in the award winning 2006 documentary Derailroaded, that was featured on Robert Redford’s Sundance Channel. In 2008 Moriarity became the winner of the coveted Golden Toonie, making him “cartoonist of the year” for the organization known as Cartoonists Northwest. In 2010, Fifteen of his posters were featured on the set of Showtime’s TV show Weeds, in a scene taking place in Seattle. He currently contributes to Mineshaft Magazine, Puck!, Artist Acid Test, Typhon and Suspect Device. As an adjunct faculty member, Pat Moriarity occasionally teaches character design, storyboarding and comics at the Art Institute of Seattle.

In other words, he's a bad-ass. And he's set the bar high for the next Twenty Dollar Cartoon.

N/p: Rudy and the Mindmelts: "Surreal Nightmare"
Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me. - Charlie Brown
What is Rhinorrhea? It is the medical term for snot. 

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Awake? Try Jeff Bridges' Sleeping Tapes

It kinda seems like a joke. What is Jeff Bridges doing making recordings that are reportedly designed to help you relax and get some sleep? 

Well if you think the concept is funny wait till you hear the thing. I mean it's a little bit hard to journey to the land of nod when you're preoccupied with laughing your ass off.

First off, take the cover. It's kind of cool actually, but it's not an image that is going to make me feel relaxed and ready for sleep. In fact that image appearing in my mind while I am asleep is going to cause me to wake up screaming and possibly wet myself.

Secondly what is on the recording itself... some of it is kinda relaxing and Jeff's voice does kind of put you into a certain kind of amiable state of mind, but there is other stuff that isn't particularly that soothing, or even mellow in the slightest. There is ambient music, soundscapes, and Jeff Bridges talking and sometimes humming. You get Jeff talking to kids about dreams, you get Jeff telling stories, You get Jeff taking you on a walking trip in a canyon (funny but it is actually relaxing in a way) and other kinds of assorted stuff. The affirmations are great....You smell good.....you order well in restaurants....you are good at guessing when the traffic light will turn green, stuff like that.

I would tell you that if you want to listen to jeff Bridges you might do well to listen to some of his country music. He's not bad at all and he does a lot better job and channeling the spirit of Waylon Jennings than say Blank Shelton. If you do get this the proceeds are said to go to NO KID HUNGRY so there is a good cause behind it. 

It is weird, but whether it's a good kind a weird or not is totally your call. After all, I'm still awake.



N/p: George Gershwin: "Piano Concerto in F Major"
If I'm going to Hell, I'm going there playing the piano. - Jerry Lee Lewis
Telephone booths in Chicken Port, Brazil are shaped like chickens. 

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Tommy's Memories of Circles Squared

(Written by Tommy Acuff)

In the 3rd grade, I got into a playground fight over Rowdy Roddy Piper and Mr. T.

See, Piper was in the midst of a feud with TV's Mr. T.  The two were set to collide at Wrestlemania 2 in a boxing match.  The two had squared off previously as parts of opposing tag teams at the inaugural Wrestlemania event, and hadn't settled things enough. 
  
Mr. T was at the pinnacle of his fame.  He'd fought Rocky.  He was the star of The A-Team.  His fists, his hairdo and his pitying of the fools were the biggest, most awesome thing that a group of nine-year-olds could imagine.  He seemed like a shoo-in to beat Piper, who cheated and tried to lie and connive his way through a feud with Hulk Hogan (perhaps T's biggest competitor in the biggest, most awesome competition going on in the heads of nine-year-olds in 1986).

Except that I knew Piper was a tough cookie.

I'd seen him fight Ric Flair.

I'd seen him fight Greg Valentine.

I'd seen him beat some of the best.

I also knew that he wasn't a bad guy at heart, as much as his smashing a coconut against Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka's head speaks to the contrary.  (As an aside, it is 2015, and there isn't a time that I walk past a coconut in the produce section of the grocery store, and I don't think of that Piper's Pit interview).  

I'd spent several long hours trying to justify Piper's actions in feuds, and picking on jobbers.  I'd managed to work it into a loose moral framework where Piper, generally smaller than many of the wrestlers he fought, felt picked on, so he did and said whatever he had to to get by.

One more slightly parenthetical note.  I was a quiet, shy kid.  I usually found myself on the short side of arguments, even at nine-years-old.  I never knew what to say.  I got tongue-tied and would stutter if enough stress came into the conversation.  I have since come to think that Roddy Piper's ability to continue talking, and not be cowed into silence (as I often found myself, sometimes even still find myself), was something very cool.   Right or wrong.  Good guy, or bad.  Rowdy Roddy Piper always managed to get his words in edgewise, something this quiet nine-year-old often had trouble doing.

So, as it happens, I don't remember how the conversation started.  But most of the kids in the class were ready for Mr. T to win.  I tried to talk about the fights Piper had won against the Ric Flairs and Greg Valentines of the world a couple years prior on the NWA wrestling shows I managed to find.  Those conversant in the topic were quick to point out that Ric Flair never came anywhere near an arena Hulk Hogan was wrestling, and Greg Valentine, though part of a successful tag team, wasn't on the level of a Mr. T.

Ric Flair and Roddy Piper in happier times

I lost my temper.  I admit it.  I found myself feeling very much like Roddy Piper, facing a large group of my peers who were disagreeing, and mocking my beliefs.  My knowledge of Piper's past was my kilt.  My sticking up for the Hot Scot was like a set of bagpipes.  There was shoving.  There weren't many punches thrown, if any.  Before the disagreement could escalate to our very own playground Wrestlemania, we were separated by teachers, and not allowed to play at recess for the remainder of the week.  There were no paddlings or anything to that end, so in retrospect, it couldn't have been that big a fight.

Piper would go on to lose that boxing match.  He resorted to a couple of wrestling low blows, including picking Mr. T up and bodyslamming him.  We were reported this news the day after the event, by somebody who said they'd had the fortune to see the show.  None of us believed until the results of the show finally cycled through to WWF weekly syndicated TV.  (I never knew if Teddy was full crap about seeing the show, I realize nearly 30 years later.  I wonder now if he really did get to see the pay per view, or if he was just making it up to impress us.  I lean toward full of crap, but he was correct about Piper's loss).

Roddy Piper taking a left hook from Mr. T at Wrestlemania 2 

The WWE is winding its way toward Wrestlemania again, this year.  This corridor, from the Royal Rumble to the Wrestlemania show is still my favorite, though I think back and wish for that feeling, that anticipation.  Nowadays, we have somewhere between six and eight hours of TV a week, not counting the non-stop loop of stuff you can pull up on the WWE Network ($9.99 a month, or haven't you heard?) at any hour of the day.  There are big shows every month.  Big names have big matches every week.  One downside to the multitude of outlets the WWE has at its disposal is that you don't have to be left waiting long, if you want more.

I'm not nine, anymore.  I finally admitted that wrestling wasn't real a couple or three years after that playground Piper pickle.  And I've been subject to the WWE media onslaught for 25 years since.

The stage being set at Wrestlemainia 1: Paul Orndorff and Roddy Piper with
Cowboy Bob Orton vs. Mr. T and Hulk Hogan with Jimmy Snuka

Truth is, I don't know if kids today have that same fire that my friends and I seemed to.  Are they ready to get into a playground shoving match over Brock Lesnar, Seth Rollins and John Cena?  Bray Wyatt and the Undertaker?  Dean Ambrose and Wade Barrett?

I say all that to say this  In the past month, I've taken a throwback approach to the WWE, and it's something I'll keep on with until Wrestlemania, at the very least.  I've stopped peeking behind the curtain, with online newssites and Twitter feeds.  I'm not watching Raw or Smackdown.  I'll mark Wrestlemania on my calendar.  My own dismal feelings about the state of WWE storytelling aside, I'm hoping to be surprised.  I want to see if the show has that Mega Show feel that the Wrestlemanias I watched growing up had.  It was a big deal when Piper and Mr. T fought.  And their match was smaller potatoes, even on that show.  I'm taking a sabbatical from the wrestling world, to return on Wrestlemania.  

Let's see what the WWE can do....

- Written by Tommy, the shop keeper at Big Stupid Tommy. He is a legend.


N/p: "Blood On The Blue Grass" by Legendary Shack Shakers
"I'm trying to find a place with peace. And if not, then let's fill it with mayhem." - Roddy Piper
According to scientists, Saturn's rings will eventually disappear.

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Meanwhile In The Land Of Aliens...

N/p: Dimentia 13: "Do The Jerk-Off"
You can't function in society if you don't involve yourself in the fictions society accepts about time. But you do with the understanding that you're playing a game. -Brad Warner
First college to issue degrees: University of  Bologna in 1088

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Restaurant Review: McDonald's On Grand

I had been hearing about the pleasantries of Mr. McDonald's Restaurant for quite some time, and after seeing a few television commercials during this year's Super Bowl, I thought I would give it a shot.

McDonald's Restaurant at 6125 Grand Avenue in Des Moines, Iowa

After all, if this famed eatery has truly served 75 Billion burgers as it claims it has, then it can only be assumed that the meals are extravagantly prepared and hold a magnificent quality, am I right?

My dining partner and I made our way in late morning, with the idea that we could get a jump on the lunchtime rush. This particular McDonald's Restaurant location sits at 6125 Grand Avenue in that unique little pocket of the city that is too far west to be called Des Moines, and too far east to be cited as a West Des Moines property. 

Maybe that's why they call it the Raccoon Valley? I wondered as we chose an eloquent table in the window section of the restaurant.

Now I say "eloquent" because the table we chose was the only one in the area that had obviously been tended too. The other tabletops had stains of ketchup alongside smears of grease and/or perhaps an errant french fry or wadded napkin that had been left behind from former diners. Being the master englut that I am, I understand the inclination of the menial staff that a general eatery employs, also realizing that many are underpaid and improperly trained. But surely a restaurant that has served 75 Billion sandwiches could afford to pay it's staff very well, so my dining partner and I were a bit taken aback at the level to which this detail was ignored.

Regardless, we chose an uncovered booth in the window section of the restaurant and waited for our server to make up for the lack of cleanliness with a friendly welcome.

Eight minutes later, we sat, still waiting, even as tables around us were eventually cleaned. The slow moving person never once spoke to us, or even really made eye contact and eventually at the eight minute mark, I asked the gentle older woman if she could summon a waiter for us. She gave us a look of bewilderment.

"You have to order up there at the register," she said, pointing to the production counter.

I had never heard of such a shtick, but being the modern age that it is, where unconventionality seems to be the norm, my dining partner and I sheepishly made our way to the counter. I marveled at the crowd in front of us - obviously regulars, who understood the nuances and were hip to the ways of the famed McDonald's restaurant. It was then that I saw the menu, above and behind the heads of the cashiers. I marveled at the prices, certainly low for such famous quality food and wondered aloud with my dining partner about the names of the food items.

Big Mac, Quarter Pounder, McRib, Filet o' Fish, McDouble, Chicken McNuggets...

The names of the products didn't come with descriptions, and I hastened at the thought of receiving something with which I wasn't familiar. I had heard of the Big Mac, having seen it's lavish photo pasted on the sides of city buses, and I decided that when it became my turn to tell the waitress cashier what I wanted, it would indeed be a Big Mac, despite me knowing nothing about it. My dining partner had already settled on the Filet o' Fish, and she also bespoke the desire to purchase french fries as a side. Enjoying this fit of fortitude on her part, I decided that I would do the same. 

We ordered our sandwiches and fries in a "combo" which essentially meant that like telephone and cable products, if we ordered three items together, we received a slight discount. We were given our food on a tray, and were pointed to the soft drink station where we were told that we could pour our own drinks.

What a strange concept, I thought. Pouring our own drinks. 

It felt hip and exciting to finally excel past the apprenticeship level of our new dining experience, and by the time we found the lids to the cups along with straws (in individual wrappers) we proudly made our way back to the window area where our chosen table sat waiting for us.

Another interesting quality(?) of our dining experience was the fact that each of our sandwiches had been wrapped in a small cardboard box - something neither one of us had seen in all our years of dining. On one hand we enjoyed the freshness that this unique mode of packaging ensured, but on the other hand I always enjoyed watching the food come to the table in it's beautiful and spectacular splendor. Remembering the conventionality of the times, we opened our small boxes and proceeded to gormandize our meals.

 Our sandwiches had been wrapped in a small cardboard box

My sandwich was extremely soft, served on a three layered kaiser style bun that was peppered with sesame seeds. It was warm to the touch and literally melted in my mouth at every bite. It was coated with not the traditional condiments one would expect to get on a gourmet burger, but with a sauce that seemed reminiscent of a non-thickened Thousand Island salad dressing. It was garnished with lettuce and pickles, and small wonderful tidbits of onion. 

My dining partner also exclaimed at how soft her sandwich was, but expressed minor disappointment at how small it seemed to be compared to the photo on the menu board. She said that it was delicious and moist, slathered in a flavor mostly boosted from a generous shot of tangy tartar sauce. It must have seemed small to her, as she devoured it in no more than four bites, the final one dropping a stained reminder of it's greatness on her sweater just below her neckline.

Unfortunately the fries were also soft, an attribute not typically associated with high quality julienned fried potatoes and while warm, they were limp to the touch, seemingly high in moisture. Our soft drinks were delicious, high in sugar and wet to the taste. They seemed to be the perfect compliment to the food that each of us consumed, and I would be amiss to not mention that each of us enjoyed a refill.

Overall our experience was good, despite our initial ignorance upon entering this heavily lauded restaurant. Could we say that we were loving it? as the commercial touts...? Maybe, if our french fries had been a bit crisper. But at the end of the meal we both agreed that it was an enjoyable experience, and that the sandwiches were delicious. I made a mental note to put Thousand Island salad dressing on every burger I ordered from here on out. 

Like our predecessors, we left the table with a smear or two of grease on it's top, as well as the wadded napkin that my partner used to wipe the tartar sauce off of her sweater. 

For the price and the quality of food, along with the DIY facilitation that this eatery seems to promote, out of five, I would give McDonald's Restaurant on Grand three stars. Another half-star would be offered had the eatery met our cleanliness expectations upon entering.

Update: Upon leaving the restaurant's parking lot, we discovered that if one chose to do so, he/she could drive up, order food through a speaker and pick it up at a window all while never leaving the car. Genius!


N/p: Earl Vince and the Valiants: "Somebody's Gonna Get Their Teeth Kicked In"
"Man who invented hamburgers was smart. Man who invented cheeseburgers was genius." - Mathew McConaughey 
Pope Pios II wrote an erotic novel called The Tale of Two Lovers.   

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Uncle Henry's Dick Picks Volume One

AN OPEN LETTER TO REVEREND PEYTON'S BIG DAMN BAND

Dear Reverend Peyton,

Just who the hell do you think you are, some kind of preacher or something? 

Well, I'll tell you what. I aint never heard no preacher like you before, up on the stage with that silly lookin' guitar snarling through that nasally drawl. And while I'm not necessarily a religious fella, I don't hear ya all saying a whole hell of a lot about Jesus and his disciples up there. And the fact that you use a cuss word in your band name... well Jesus probably wouldn't like that so much.

And it aint none of my business, but that group of rebel-rousers you are preachin' to don't look like no congregation I have ever seen before neither.

Where'd you come from, Kentucky or something? I don't know if anybody ever told you, but you look kinda look ridiculous in those wife beatin' t-shirts you're always wearing tucked into those rolled up jeans.  

Maybe if ya bought some trousers that was a little bit longer, you wouldn't have to roll them up like that. And that gal... I'm sure she's just as sweet as honey but she looks like she just stepped out of Carl Perkin's Cadillac. That would have been fine in the mid '50s but this ain't 1956 no more. It's about time y'all got with the program.

There's a big damn pig in this photo.

I see that you are going to be in Des Moines in a week or so. If you would like, I could bring you a pair of jeans that might be a bit more your size, and I'm sure that I could rustle up some modern day clothes for your gal too. In fact, my wife's got an entire closet of clothes that would probably fit that gal right nicely, and while they might be more of the '70s style variety, it would still be an upgrade from what your gal's always wearing.

I'll tell you what. I'll come to the Gas Lamp on March 7th with a whole mess of clothes. Be sure to leave some room in your pick-up truck for everything I'm gonna bring ya because believe you me, I'll be doing the both of us a favor. Just promise not to tell my wife. She'd raise all kinds of hell if she knew I gave away her clothes.

So okay. I will see you there.

Whatever these damned kids say today,

Uncle Henry



N/P: Antiseen "Kill the Scene."
In this country we have no place for hyphenated Americans. - Theodore Roosevelt
There were 12 honeymooning couples aboard the Titanic. Oops. 

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And Now, Weird Letters to Stan & Ronnie

Keep Des Moines Weird

Dear Stan and Ronnie,

Hey how are you doing? I am doing good. I am trying to construct a real working time travel machine. I want to say I live in St. Johns and I'm wondering if your interested in helping me try and build one. Time travel was my passion for a long time and I don't know if your interested but I'm interested in being dedicated towards my goal. Do you want to help me build a machine? If your (sic) interested do you want to contact me back and let me know. I hope to hear back from you.

Please help,

J.H. 

______________________________________________________

Dear Stan and Ronnie,

My friend Smut just dropped by to introduce me to his new fiance... believe it or not her name is Tuna.......her real name is Tina.. women named Tina are usually petite and cute.. but in her case the name Tuna fits.......... she was wearing a pair of those white moccasins the kind that have the teeny tiny blue and red beads on them, they must have been a couple of years old, wore out and dirty, then she did it... she sat on the couch and took them off... I saw them... the toenails Smut told me about, they did look like Fritos.... OMG!!!!.. Then as she was sitting on the couch next to Smut she cocked up her butt and farted real loud, she turned to Smut and said " It's talking to ya daddy! " Needless to say I spewed cherry coke out of both nostrils..... as soon as they left I broke out the Lysol spray and sprayed both the couch and the floor where those feet were.

Regards,

B.L.

______________________________________________________


Dear Stan and Ronnie, 

Last night I was eating a sandwich outside the bar, two fat white guys pulled up in a car and asked what I was doing. I was like "I'm eating a sandwich!!!!!" I didn't realize they were undercover cops thinking I was drinking from a bag. I just thought they were fat guys interested in my sandwich.

Sincerely,

J.F.

______________________________________________________

Got a weird email for Stan and Ronnie? Write us using the contact form in the right sidebar. We'll publish our favorite ones! 

N/p: Olivia Newton John: "Have You Ever Been Mellow?" 
Where's your will to be weird? - Jim Morrison
It's not unusual for porcupines to fall out of trees. 

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Dont Bother Knockin, Bones Are A-Rockin

Any trash kulture connoisseur worth their salt knows that comic books are as much a part of the endless quest for kicks as any great rock n roll record,  old boss tv show, or any B to Z grade film.  Reading The Fantastic Four's Galactus Trilogy could be just as mind expanding as listening to Piper At The Gates Of Dawn. Digging the doom patrol could be as essential of an experience as listening to Sun Ra. Gorging on the EC horror/sci-fi/crime comics can be just as stimulating as listening to Darby Crash and the Germs.

Comic books from their birth were pretty much created to be disposable, cheap thrills. By the time the '50s rolled around they symbolized juvenile delinquency and a terrifying youth culture just as much as the black leather jacket and the switchblade. Thus came the Comics Code Authority, and although comics were in some ways tamed, in my opinion they continued to be great up until the late '70s and early '80s. At that point in time comics took a nose dive, especially the big guys Marvel and DC. 

There were some bright spots and some of the smaller publishers had some pretty good stuff coming out, but for the most part It was starting to look a bit desolate. The '90s were even worse and things just kept going down hill. Oh well there were still the old books around and you could always try and lay your hands on some reprints. I had pretty much given up on any new stuff except for a few things here and there. 

Then one day I saw it. Rockin' Bones Issue #1. The cover had a girl looking at some three eyed alien (looking like one of those creatures from Invasion of the Saucer Men) who looked like he was just about ready to cop a feel, as a band of skeletons played in the background. Under the picture it proclaimed Monsters! Aliens! Rock n Roll! How could I not end up getting this?

I took it home and immediately read it. And then I read it again. Oh man this stuff was good. 

It was like Archie Comics on acid. I found issue #2 and #3. I then found the Xmas special. But that was it. No more. Of course, once again I came onto something I found so life affirming and I was too late to the party. Story of my life. If you don't believe me how many other people do you know are still trying to join The Munsters Fan Club? 

Well that was it. Great run but it was over. That is until the badass gang at Nix Comics Quarterly came on the scene. 

Okay yeah, I was still late to the game but at least these guys are still around and I hope they stay a long, long, time. Darren Marinuk who did Rockin' Bones  is here as well providing some pretty boss art to the comic. The comic itself is the brainchild of Ken Eppstein. Good stuff. No, I'm sorry, great stuff. Rock n roll horror comics with some humor thrown in for good measure. If The Cramps were a comic book, they would be this comic book.

Believe me when I tell you, that these comics are as essential to your garage/punk kicks as all the Back From The Grave records. Just lay your eyes on the art of Ryan Brinkerhoff, Rich Trask, Dave Pickard, and Micheal Neno, King Merinuk, and all the others. If you like comic books, get this. If you like rock n roll, get this. If you hate both of those things get this and transform yourself into one of the cool kids. Lots of great stuff here. You get Monsters, guitars, the Devil's record collection, the vicar, a garage rockin' creature killer (think '60s Sky Saxon on a Van Helsing jag), Bus Stop Ned, and more, more, more. If you choose only one way to rot your brain this year, choose this. 

Nuff Said True Believer!



N/p: Randy Luck: "I Was A Teen -Age Cave Man" 
Here comes the bride, all bagged and tied! - The Penguin
Walter Anderson's two Claims to Fame: Inventing the hamburger bun and opening White Castle.

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